Characters

My mom totally missed her flight this morning to Los Angeles. So she's gonna be here 6 hours later than planned.

Question for Dan?- "What would each persons character be if they were in a short film? What would it be about? and why?"

A: Dan,Cowboy for sure.
Lynn- A prairie woman.
John Corrigan- Oddball, lanky quirky oddball.
Calder- A mad scientist, he travels time or makes potions, or keeps clocks in perfect order. Or an insane writer.

I have a dream.

I have a dream...
that one day Me and Lynn can be fun. And dance around in the living room. That we can go to a nice restaurant every once in a while and not worry about it. That we can create something whether written or video that can make some money. Enough to pay rent for the rest of our lives. We'll drink tea and have friends over. We'll be able to really laugh. We could have a fireplace. We'd wear vintage clothes and listen to records. And we'd be able to make decisions better than ever before.

i hope fun never stops.

Had a good time in acting class, doing a scene from "Private Lives". I was extremely nervous but got to do it again. And I really had fun with the end result, even though it was rough around the edges. I felt good, with myself. I made some strong choices, even though I didn't know for sure if they were good or not. I just went for it.

Now I'm off to a MB show (mish mosh). I hope to have fun. I think I could totally do this for a living. I think that with good training I could definitely do this. I feel like there's a sponteneity inside me that can come out once I know those lines.

I hope that one day I can have fun with that. That fun doesn't stop. Even when I've got all sorts of fears and worries and mortgages, fun doesn't stop.

Success looks different

I just watched a brief video called "broke" that made me think about what is success. Is success a certain bar that we reach? or a certain dollar sign? or a certain number of fans?

Also the idea that we don't have to wait for big producers to give us the green light to achieve something good. We don't have to wait on someone to say yes to our dream. I honestly think that we can create good things in the now.

I think now I have to ask myself, what do I call success? What do I want to create? How can I be a positive voice? To serve, to be good, not for selfish reasons only. But how can I honestly do good?

Comedy and laughter are things that come to my mind. I want to make short videos that make people laugh. Maybe that means I have to work on my writing, my teamwork skills, and a multiple of things, but that's what I want.

See it to the end.

Well I didn't make it one week without watching a movie. What movie? Sherlock Holmes. It was pretty cool actually.

I think my main thought is that I watch tv a little too much. I think instead of creating and doing something, I dissapear into the world of tv. I can remember doing the same thing when "Friends" was on. I would skip out on homework.

I think part of it is laziness and part of it is fear of how hard life can really get when you dig down in the trenches. Working on what could be called your dream is a lot harder and more a grind that you think it could ever be.

A lot of acting and being on stage comes from hours and hours of rehearsals, memorizing lines dissecting words written by a smart man. Let's say you want to try to be the man that writes, well that's hard too. Everyone in the world can write and at some point wants to write a script.

I think the final difference is between the people who just write and never finish and the people that see it to the end.

It's probably the same with anyhting....acting, writing, painting, becoming a pastor, teaching, etc.

Dear Lord I want to be someone who at least finishes something worthwhile.

Morning Pages #1 online

So part of writing for scripts and blah blah blah is that a good way ot start brainstorming is to write "morning pages". Which is just some writing, asking yourself questions. Something that's helped is when I've asked myself questions to pull out what's in my mind. To eventually write from a place of honesty and what I know about. Vs. staring at a blank page for too long.

So...
Q: Dan, what do you think is important about money? Do you want lots of it?

A: Whew, well that's the question of a lifetime Dan. Thanks for getting to the heart of the matter. Hmmm, I don't think I've ever been taught about money or success or any of the above. When I grew up I never really thought I needed it. I wanted to grow up to be almost a bum. And live on the skirts of normalcy, perhaps a bum moving from place to place. I remember telling people that in high school. I wanted to live in Colorado in a van and wait tables. And live off the money that I earned and ski.

I think I've had that dream for quite some time, just in a different form and fashion. I think I want the freedom to create, to write and dream and not worry about jobs. I don't think I've ever had good luck with pursuing money for moneys sake. Still today when I look for work, it's the worst experience I've ever had applying to places that you know the second you leave they'll throw your resume right in the trash, or at least metaphorically.

I think my brain wasn't made to think about money. My mind is very abstract. I think I was meant to be a creative. Whether it be an actor, writer, painter, speaker, comedian. I'm a brainstormer. I'm never really focused on the final product just the having fun in the creative process.

Now that's never a formula for success, and by that I mean a formula for money. So maybe I should focus on money. Or I should focus on producing.

As for money itself, I think I want a great place to have kids and live with my future wife Lynn. A place to invite people and laugh, eat great food that Lynn's experimented with. Kids running around with crayons and curly hair.

Sometimes to make that happen, money has to come. It's a strange world for a creative person. I don't think it was made for us to really survive well.

(Well God, I'd love to spend some time thinking about these things with you. I pray that you speak to me about these issues. I love you and try to do good things for you and my life. )

No movies by myself...for one week.

So I've now had a morning where I didn't have to go to work and I don't have an awefull headache. It's a rainy day Sat. Oscars are tomorrow. Hope Jeff Bridges wins and Meryl Streep too.

Apart from that, I just wanted to document, to have it written down. That today I feel much better than say last wednesday night. Wed night I honestly had stress pumping through my body. It was honestly stress, unhealthy.

Let it be written to remind myself that life can get better. My mind is much clearer today. Well for the moment. Life is still hard, but my mind is clearer.

I know that I've been closing myself off from people and from doing anything. Because of money and because of fear. I'm afraid to have fun, to relax, because I think it looks bad if I'm not getting a job. Because I need more money and a better job to honestly get married and be comfortable. I'm not even talking anything extravagent. I'm just talking paying rent and bills.

Anyway,so no movies by myself for one week. I just want to see how that goes. I think it's a place that I love, but I should not hide in them.

So see you then.

Don't worry about money.

Hold on, I've gotta go to the bathroom....Ok, I'm back. I just watched Leaves of Grass with Edward Norton. I enjoyed it. What a crazy but grounded movie.

So I've been seriously running around looking for work and not succeeding in any way. Only a few brief interviews but nothing beyond that. I try and put on a good face and tell them about myself. But everyone wants serving experience. Nobody's willing to take a risk on me. I had a tough time last night dealing with that. My heart rate went sky high. I only had 4ish hours to sleep last night ad woke up half way through that with my heart still racing.

One thought I had while I was watching the movie was that it feels like either God is saying or I'm just feeling it. But I think I've been pursuing money/work to be able to pay rent and survive when me and Lynn get married. And pursuing money has NEVER worked out for me. I wonder if it's just not what I'm supposed to be thinking about? Like should I just make coffee and focus on other things like creating and writing and filmmaking.

I think the reality of not having much money is too real and too arresting to deny. However no matter how many times I try and chase it, it ends in fizzling out. That doesn't mean I should go after it though. I think my mind set of wanting to provide is right, but the logistics and planning aren't neccesarily coming through.